The office fridge is a war zone

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein) 08/20/2015 at 16:47 • Filed to: None

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This is the lunch I made for myself and ate at my desk today. It is the same as the lunch I make for myself almost every day. Which is boring, but healthy. I keep sandwich ingredients and such in a grocery bag in the office fridge. But someone I work with has been stealing my turkey!

The first time my turkey went missing, I didn’t think it was actually stolen. One day, I went to make my lunch, and knew that the day before, I had one sandwich’s worth of turkey remaining. But there was no turkey to be found! Wanting to give my coworkers the benefit of the doubt, I figured maybe I’d accidentally left my turkey out on the counter when I made my sandwich, and someone thought it should’ve been thrown away.

A couple days ago, I went to make myself a sandwich, again knowing exactly how much turkey I had remaining. My grocery bag had a weird knot tied in it, and the turkey was gone! Not just like, someone took a couple slices. The whole bag was missing. I never tie weird knots in my grocery bag of sandwich ingredients. Someone had taken my turkey!

Now, I’m not one to get upset over a little deli turkey theft, but really, who steals turkey? It’s like I work with the real life version of these guys:

While this was going on, I also noticed that someone had put a whole pizza, minus one slice, in the fridge, and it was undisturbed for several days. This thief would rather steal just straight up deli turkey than a slice of pizza. I guess they think a missing slice of pizza is too obvious of a trail to leave, but removing a whole bag of turkey from a grocery bag of other sandwich ingredients will go unnoticed.

In order to bring attention to the fridge warfare, but not directly confront the turkey thief (this will have to wait until a third turkey theft, and hey maybe I’ll have a new job by then), I sent the following email:

From: Me
To: Everyone else in the office
Subject: Friendly pizza reminder!

Hey Everyone,

The past few days when I’ve gone to make my lunch, I’ve noticed the same pizza sitting in the fridge, not being eaten. It’s from Pizza Hut with spinach and sausage and such on it.

So if you ordered this pizza a few days ago, ate 1 slice, and maybe forgot about it, just a reminder that it’s still there in the fridge and maybe you want to enjoy it before it goes bad!

I only got one reply, from someone who I know didn’t steal my turkey because she gets squeamish at the thought of handling meat:

I’m shocked it hasn’t been poached yet—we have more will power than I would have suspected!

There’s a food thief on the loose!!!!

Mmmmm > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 16:55

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I’ve seen some pretty heated stuff go down in the office kitchen! People are merciless when it come to food.

jkm7680 > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 16:55

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Put a powdered laxative in your turkey.

$kaycog > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:00

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Put some extremely hot sauce on the turkey. Sabotage it somehow.

Textured Soy Protein > $kaycog 08/20/2015 at 17:04

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But then...what am I supposed to put in my sandwich?

Textured Soy Protein > jkm7680 08/20/2015 at 17:05

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I don’t want to end up accidentally eating a turkey-lax sandwich!

$kaycog > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:08

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Hide turkey for your sandwich in a bag of spinach or something.

nermal > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:08

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Bring in your daily amount of good turkey in a backpack or whatever for a week, while still using the fridge bag for the remainder of your sandwich fixings, except for the tainted turkey.

smobgirl > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:10

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You just reminded me that I left my beer in the office fridge again. But thankfully I have a small office and I somehow got stuck buying coffee supplies so they know if they touch my stuff they’ll be drinking decaf until I quit.

jkm7680 > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:12

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Haha, not for you!

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:13

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One of my mates had a milk thief while he was at uni. So, he got one of his mates to pilfer some phenolphthalein from his chemistry lab (used as an indicator, but also a military-grade laxative). He then went to a local health-clinic and said he was a heroine addict (at that point in time they were giving out free sterilized needles to combat HIV).

He then injected the phenolthalein through the milk top (and seal) into the milk.

He found out who was stealing his milk in short order.

Klaus Schmoll > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:16

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http://izismile.com/2014/08/21/a_f…

Must have been him!

Tohru > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:20

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Time for scorched earth.

1. Buy turkey to use as a trap.

2. Buy THIS on eBay - Denatonium Benzoate is one of the most bitter chemicals known to man.

3. Apply powder to turkey.

4. Place in fridge, clearly labeled that it is your property and not to touch it.

5. Wait for the food thief to out themselves, hopefully via violent projectile vomiting.

6. Fire them.

7. ???

8. PROFIT!

wkiernan > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:32

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under your desk

XJDano > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:34

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Write a note on a bag of turkey,

steal this one !

See if it goes missing.

Put a mouse trap in your bag.

Pack your lunch box full of needles

AM > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:42

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Do you have your own office? We have a problem with people (note: plural) stealing food so me and the guy I share my office with went halves on a little bar fridge a while back.

Solved all our problems. Sometimes we eat each others food but we've agreed to replace what we take.

desertdog5051 > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:47

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I found that putting your stuff in a McDonalds bag stops people from taking it.

Tapas > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 17:48

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Leave a note that says

“All items in this bag have been individually licked by AtlasM. He returns everyday around lunch to re-lick them, so future sandwiches are moist to his satisfaction.”

LOREM IPSUM > $kaycog 08/20/2015 at 17:57

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Or some LSD. Should make finding the culprit ezpz.

Camshaft Chris: Skyline/McLaren/Porsche Fanboy > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 18:17

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Pre-make your sandwhich at home and put in a separate container in a separate bag. Then, soak the other “bait turkey” in some vile liquid, such as hot sauce, urine, or liquid feces depending on your level of anger and desired criminal charges ranging from none to assault.

Another option would be to put a crushed-up laxative or Unisom on there. Then your thief will be revealed for all to see.

Textured Soy Protein > Camshaft Chris: Skyline/McLaren/Porsche Fanboy 08/20/2015 at 19:50

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So you’re saying I have to eat a sandwich that’s sat in the fridge for several hours and now the bread’s all cold? That’s too much of a sacrifice. Also I’m too lazy to make a sandwich at home.

Textured Soy Protein > AM 08/20/2015 at 19:51

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I do have my own office, but I’m also looking for a new job so it doesn’t make much sense to invest in a mini fridge that I may very soon not need.

AM > Textured Soy Protein 08/20/2015 at 20:09

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Oh makes sense then! I don't plan on going anywhere so that's why we bought it.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Textured Soy Protein 08/21/2015 at 09:55

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We had a nasty food thief problem for a while. While I lost a couple of leftover pizzas (not just a slice, half a dang pizza!), others were losing their leftover lunches, dinners, etc. I can’t imagine grabbing someone’s leftover spaghetti and chowing down, but that was what was going on.

The thieves were caught when one of our engineers came in after-hours to finish up a project. The cleaning crew had pulled everything out of the fridge and placed it on the kitchen table, buffet style.

Building management hired a new cleaning company the next day.

Camshaft Chris: Skyline/McLaren/Porsche Fanboy > Textured Soy Protein 08/21/2015 at 09:58

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Ah, well personally, I like cold bread. I guess that’s a little weird now that I think about it, but I prefer my sandwiches to be refrigerated, so I make them the night before. Now obviously this doesn’t apply to burgers or phillies or a french dip or something; just things like turkey or PB&J.